They made me go to rehab...

 

I’ve been meaning to start this blog for a couple of weeks now, and all it took is the Internet being down for me to open a Word doc and start typing.  I have had a lot going on the last few months, and if I’m going to try to start a new life, I might as well throw “blog more often” in with my list of goals while I’m at it.

It’s been a shitty 2025.  At the end of the year, Hank got out and was gone for almost two agonizing weeks.  I don’t think I cried so hard for so long, and I feel like the grief and agony broke both Chris and me.  I know he felt really guilty about it because ultimately, he was the one who had left the door ajar/open, and believe me, I wanted to blame him for it but at that point there was no point in affixing blame, I just wanted Hank back.  After trying a million things I finally suggested putting the Blink camera and some food in the back hallway and leaving the back door open, and one morning, by some miracle, Chris was awake to hear the alarm go off so he was able to grab him at about 6am.  I woke up to Hank being put in my arms and all I could do was squeeze him and wail.  So while my planned New Year’s Eve game-and-snack-a-palooza was foiled, by the second week in January we had Hank back and all was good.

Until a week or two later when Chris lost his job.  There was a month-long bubble where he was paid severance and a couple of weeks’ vacation, but I think that he largely took that as a resting time without a lot of urgency on the job hunt, so instead of potentially double-dipping on salary, by mid-February we were down to one income: mine.  And he’s in a tremendous amount of debt and by extension, so am I because I took out a loan in my name to save him money on the crippling interest he was accumulating due to not paying above the minimums.  I also drained most of my savings account and gave him a personal loan of which he’s made one payment in the last five months so far. 

Again, it couldn’t get worse, right?  Well then he brought home the flu and we were both down for the count, but true to form, I was hit the hardest and after about two weeks of feeling completely awful and weak, my illness culminated in me getting even sicker with an infection and inability to communicate.  I don’t remember any of this, but apparently I was soiling myself and not able to move, so Chris called 911 and a horde of firefighters transported me to St. Joseph’s hospital where I spent several days intubated and essentially in a coma.  Three weeks later (and not enough physical therapy after being in bed almost 24/7) I came home the first week in March.  Unfortunately, I was so weak I couldn’t make it up the five stairs up to our apartment so it took Chris and I about 45 minutes to drag me up them and into the apartment. 

I thought I was recovering okay, and other than Chris having to wipe my butt because I couldn’t stand long enough to do it myself, I was working and getting around the apartment slowly with my walker, until I started feeling a terrible burning feeling in my chest and was super out of breath just walking from the living room to the bathroom.  I knew something was wrong, but I also was so compromised I knew I couldn’t make it through the house, down the stairs and into the car to get me to the hospital.  (Froedtert this time – I’ll spare myself the retelling of my St. Joe’s experience, which, with the exception of a few nurses and CNAs, was not great.)  Called the firemen again, who tried to convince me to walk down to the car but I just couldn’t do it so I spent one of the most terrifying and embarrassing ten minutes being hauled on a tarp from the living room down to the ambulance.  Oy vey.  Anyway, I was at least cognizant when I got to the emergency room this time and it turns out I had a whole litany of issues – on top of the diabetes (mild case that I can tell) that were diagnosed at St. Joe’s, I now had blood clots in my lungs. So after surgery and a bunch of other stuff, I’m on blood thinners and blood pressure pills. 

I spent about three weeks at Froedtert bouncing around from ICU to regular rooms and the experience was as great as I could have hoped for.  I was transported directly to this rehabilitation center here in West Allis, and while there was a little bit of a bumpy start, I’ve settled in since March 31 and have a routine going of sleep, work, therapy more work, more therapy and then more work.  I wish I could have watched more movies and read more books since I’ve gotten here, but other things just came up.  The therapy I’ve been getting has been awesome and for that reason (and maybe a few latent ones) I’ve been hoping for more and more extensions but I think this Monday is going to be it for me so I have to prepare, both mentally and physically.  Though they are clearly understaffed here and there have been many times where I’ve been wanting and needing care and had to wait for quite some time, and the food is awful, I feel like I’m living in some alternate reality here that I’m having to psyche myself up to leave and return home.

I miss the girls and Hank so much, but I’m also a little nervous about how they’re going to react to me after I’ve been gone so long. It’s also been really nice having people do stuff for me but I also know that part of my lifelong therapy is going to be doing things for myself and for others.  Chris and I have been making plans for my return and I think it’s going to be a rude awakening for him too since he’s had the run of the house himself and had the cats to himself.  I know that he’s had to be somewhat accountable because Merry Maids comes once a month, but he admitted that my den has become a complete crap collection destination so he has some work to do there.  Then again, this is all stuff that he was supposed to do by the time I was released from St. Joe’s in early March, and I’m pretty sure that the majority of his anger at my being released early was because he hadn’t done what he should have but I guess we’ll see here in a couple of days when I assume I’ll be home.  One unintended consequence of both my hospitalization and his lack of funds is that he started cooking some of the food that we had bought and put in the freezer, so I was happy to see him step out of his comfort zone, even though he’s like, 51.  Maybe he can help going forward because a lot of things need to change.

One of big ones is the way we eat and our lifestyle.  A lot of this is going to be on me, but he’ll be along for the ride.  I need to eat better, I need to exercise more, and we need to get our finances under control.  The fact that I’ve been institutionalized for the last three months and have still paid all of the bills and also worked more than full time for the last two months or so while he’s remained unemployed and perfectly happy to let this happen is pathetic.  He hasn’t even told anyone in his family.  He’s had a few bites here and there but after promising leads, there’s radio silence a week later.  Lack of follow up?  Do they truly all not want him for one reason or another?  Or is it all bullshit to temporarily appease me?  Whatever it is, I can’t deal with this anymore, financially or emotionally.  I’ve had to cease all savings and retirement contributions because of him, and even in this shitty economy that is horrifying since I can’t count on him for support later in life.  Sigh.  Anyway, the 40-50K that he owes me isn’t magically going to get paid back, and the more I think about it, the more stressed out I get so let’s stop.  I also have no idea what’s happening with my stay here as of 7pm – I assumed since I haven’t heard anything I’m going home Tuesday, but then Krista, my OT told me this morning that they had recommended recertification through the 22^nd and they thought I would probably get approved through then.  But that was at 10am this morning and it’s now 7pm and everyone has gone home.  Soooooo yeah.  And Internet is back down so while I wait for Chris to get here I just wanted to finish this post… that I just realized can’t be posted until the Internet comes back up… sigh.  I’m so lame.

Goals will be next but I actually want to think them through so we’ll get there.